Meditations | Ten Years Ago

I’ve been thinking about the last ten years.

Back then I thought I was going to start my life. I wanted to experience new things. So I went to college.

I realize now I didn’t achieve any of those things, which explains why I feel like it was a waste. Which seems strange to say since I did receive a degree (B.A. cum laude in Philosophy and a Minor in Ancient Greek). So it wasn’t like I wasted my time not studying or getting good grades. But I didn’t progress socially.

I’m terrible with social activities. I don’t understand it and I don’t feel like there are many people I can rely on to actually help me. I do have people I can talk to or share thoughts my with. But there’s no one who can write references for me if I wanted to go to graduate school, since I don’t know anyone in a business setting and family (if I even felt comfortable contacting my biological family) don’t usually work for references.

And there’s no one, except for my mom, who I feel can help with life crisis problems. There’s just no one I feel I’m close enough to that I can bug them for help, no one I feel enough support from to bother them with my life, and no one who is geographically near enough to assist me socially. So I don’t know how to move forward without networking. Because I don’t get it.

I feel like there was something else to all this. Something else I wanted to say. Because I didn’t just want to whine about how I’m socially inept.

Because if I went to school and went to study and actually delve into a subject instead of trying to experience life, what would I chose now?

Well, first off, I’m not really interested in school. But I still love the idea of studying…I think? I know I’m much more interested in writing and promoting myself. Getting into writing groups and meeting other writers and just — yay times, like that. So maybe it’s a moot question?

I’ve always used my writing as a rubric of how to know what to study. I realize now that there’s no field that encompasses everything I’d ever need for worldbuilding in one concise package.

But there’s a difference between studying in a “let’s-study-like-scholars” way, with an emphasis on language and words and dictionaries and ancient history, and studying in a “let’s-study-fairy-tales-and-meticulously-analyze-story-structure-omg-god!-I’m-so-excited’ way, with an emphasis on stories, fairy tales, epics (with forays into religion and ancient culture), ancient history, translations (with forays into religion). And then there’s the environment, but I’m not sure where that goes…

Anyway, the difference is between studying as hard work and studying as pleasurable hard work. Like doing this blog. It’s work. But I still want to squee and hug the blog even if it’s difficult. Hard work doesn’t mean it can’t be fun or it can’t be gratifying.

I think what I got the most gratification studying was literature (once I took an English class that wasn’t about theory) and ancient languages (in this case, Ancient Greek) and ancient history and literature ♥♥♥. So much love.


there’s really no rhyme or reason to these meditations, just me musings and getting my thoughts out. 

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