Writerly Notions: changing & categorizing

Writing, as a category in my head and my life (because who doesn’t do that, right?) encompasses currently at minimum eight aspects. Aside from writing, revising, worldbuilding, and submissions, of the four still unresolved aspects of being a writer, the two most complex and snarled are:

(1) what and how do I want to —– internet?

The best way I can explain this dilemma is to say me and the figuring out what and how I want to — whatever — with my writing (?) on the internet is like having a recipe that includes peppers. I have the recipe. I know what to do. But I have green and red peppers. But which color do I use?

Additionally, how do I cut them, since the recipe doesn’t specify? How do I want the recipient of my recipe to experience the peppers? As tiny minced pieces? As large pieces? As cubes? It’s like that, but applied to writing and my overall creative life.

Also, as I change, this answer will change. I will need to assess and process this, and someday this will change and I will have to assess and analyze regularly.

(2) how I want to be a writer and what responsibilities should I do and can I do?

Again: self-assessment and reflection, which to arrive at an answer of this importance will take at least a year to ensure confidence and assurance of my conclusions’ validity. And seeing as I change, this process will have to re-applied constantly.

The other two unresolved aspects are:

(1) connecting with other writers

I’ve tried to do this a few times (4) in under a decade, but 1. I’ve never felt like I fit, 2. I’ve never connected, and 3. I’ve never been able to actually maintain communication, even when I’m on a forum, I’ve talked to people, or I have their emails. This is a mix of no one responds to my emails, I forget to send emails, and I have anxiety about internet communication. To wit:

what do they expect? am I saying it wrong? am I not saying it soon enough? am I not being fairy enough in my responses in the amount of people I’m replying to? (i.e. is the # even)

That’s the kind of basic reaction that internet connection, especially forum based communicate creates. As a result, I unfortunately lean more on avoiding communications.

(2) identifying a pen name

I’ve gone through 4 (5 pending) pen names in 5 years, including emails, blogs, and submissions under each one, to different degrees. The problem is none of them feel real. They feel inauthentic, and how can I share (myself or my writing or my thoughts) on the internet (in whatever way or method or construction or definition, whether small, large, specific, pre-original fiction, etc.) if I don’t know who I am?

(I mean, as a writer, not as me as me, which is also vague since I have a strong lack of internal definition of self. Kind of. The best way to describe my identity is: animals, environmental, myth, wonder tales.)

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